Raven's Quill

I have been fighting to get remote work privileges for over a year and a half. When I was a temp for this company, I knew there was no way, but as soon as they hired me as a full employee, I figured there was a chance.

For the longest time, they've been saying because I am an hourly employee and apparently it's against their policy, but they started looking at providing it for business continuity needs.

Then the pandemic occurred, and what was planning "just in case" for the future became an immediate certainty.

I've been working remote since last Thursday and it is weird.

I forgot to forward my calls from my work phone before leaving the office (was trying to get as much stuff done and cleared and clarified, and wasn't sure of the steps, was waiting to find out how to do it, and day ended and the task was forgotten until the weekend. Whoops).

Did figure out how to use the mic on my headphones for meetings online. I'd never used the mic before and never thought I would need to bc I do not like the sound of my voice. Luckily, headphones on and talking through the mic, I could not hear my voice over the headphones. Delightful.

Going from 2 large desktop monitors to my single dinky laptop screen? Less delightful.

I am actually eating better in some ways, because I have more food available here than I would at work, but I spend more time sitting, so I have to remind myself to get up and move around.

It is a weird transition to make so quickly. But this is a weird and unpleasant time overall.

I have probably compartmentalized a lot. Sometimes all the hospital and health-specific stuff throws me for "I miss my mom" loops. Grief is weird. I am living in a state of weird, on top of weird, on top of weird.

And I am not alone in that.

I hope you all are doing as best as you can, getting fresh air when and how you can, staying active but safe, and most importantly, staying healthy, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Sending love to you all. <3

 She passed. 

It was an infection that spread too far too fast, and her heart was already so damaged it just couldn't do everything it needed to do.

We knew her health wasn't the best, but she always bounced back. We thought she'd bounce back this time, too. But she didn't.

I needed more time

 And goddamn it, I was typing this whole dang thing via my phone and now it's gone. And I don't have time to re-type because work beckons. But suffice it to say, even auto-correct's capricious whims are liable to make me cry in frustration right now.

I hope everyone is having a better morning than me.

Just...I just need to keep moving, keep going, don't slow down or momentum is lost.

>.<

Small tasks. When the big tasks feel like crossing an ocean with a single step, it's okay to find the stones ahead, hiding just under the surface.

[Twice now I meant to bring this up in an email to a friend, but twice now I've totally forgotten to until after hitting send, but I have enough to say on the subject to warrant a post, so here it is.]

This season of Project Runway, there's a twist!

Most competition do this, especially the longer they are on the air. A twist on the season to keep contestants on their toes and audiences in their seats.

This season, the twist is based on something that Tim Gunn in particular has brought up in the past, both on the show and in interviews. This season, the models represent a broader variety of sizes. A number of them still seem to fit into the typical model sizes--weight and height--but there are taller models and curvier models, and every challenge has the models randomly assigned to a designer, so no one designer can choose their ideal model each time.

In theory, I like this idea. Gunn has spoken about the need for the fashion to represent the real women who are and who want to buy trending fashions. But all too often, fashion is designed with the smallest women in mind, and trying to find clothes in stores that are fashionable but fit larger women is a struggle.

In the past, Project Runway has usually had at least one challenge each season that involved designing for a "real woman." I distinctly remember a few seasons ago when that challenge was the female relatives of fellow designers. One designer's client was another mother, a sweet woman who was bigger. And he complained and was, frankly, pretty rude to her, and in the end, she walked down the runway wearing an ill-fitting tent that did nothing to accentuate her figure or make her feel good or comfortable or beautiful.

Very few people want to wear a tent, particularly when given the opportunity to have an outfit made specially for them.

Don't get me wrong. I am a bigger gal, and I find a well-worn pair of jeans and a giant t-shirt one of the most comfortable outfits I can put on. But even I love a dress that hugs my curves just right and showcases my hourglass figure while smoothing out the other bumps and folds.

While some of the designers have taken this "twist" with enthusiasm (Samantha Rei being one of the most positive), others have expressed worry and concern. Among those, some are positive, saying they think this is a great thing, but are worried about doing it right. Others just seem worried and discouraged.

The frustrating thing, for me, is two-fold. Firstly, that every episode has had designers talking about their nervousness in designing for larger women or relief at having a model who fits the more "standard" model size. Secondly, that everyone seems averse to using the word "fat." They are plus-sized, and atypical, and curvy, but never fat. And I get, I do. I did the same here, going for more generalized (and neutral) terms (particularly since some of the models are "atypical" because of their height, but whose weight is still within the typical model numbers). But still. There's still so much stigma wrapped around the word fat.  I struggle with it myself, trying to use the word to describe myself because it's accurate, but without feeling the negativity so ingrained in it. It's tough. But with the whole purpose of this season's twist being to represent a wider variety of body shapes, I was hoping there would be a little more effort to de-stigmatize the words that create this us vs. them dichotomy of "normal" women and "plus-sized" women.

(I could do a whole other post ranting about the false claim that it's so much more expensive to design for bigger women, but there are articles out there that say it better than I ever could. Short version: even if it's costs a little more for more fabric, those costs are negligible considering the mark-up on retail in general, so the extra mark-ups on plus-sized clothing is BS, as is the claim that it would hurt companies to sell more clothing in larger sizes. BS, BS, BS. /mini rant)

Let me end with a shout out to Liris, one of the "plus size" models, and one of my favorite people on the show this season. She has curves and she loves them and she wants every designer she's paired with to love them, too, and highlight them in the best way. And she will not take "I hope so" or "I'll try" for an answer. "Oh no. We don't hope. We do," she says in the first episode, and it continues to be a rallying call for me as I watch this season.

Wrote 3728 words on TIC, the sequel to the novel I'd completed for NaNo last November.

Good gods this year is flying by. Ugh.

Anyway, that's the most progress I've made on the sequel story in quite a while. I've worked on a few other things, some same world/different cast stories and a few flash pieces, but this is the proper sequel.

I had no idea if I'm doing it right. I think this is the first real, proper sequel I've ever written, and I find myself questioning how much to reference the previous book's information--I don't want to data dump the whole first book, you know, so I am trying to drop bits of info here and there where pertinent. Make it useful but not irksome if you've read the first book, but hopefully useful without being too sparse for someone if they picked up the sequel without reading the first book. Hopefully, anyway.

Part of me worries too, about the ending of the first book, TIZR, because I hate writing endings. I always know what I want them to do, but can never feel confident that they're doing that.

All a moot point at the moment, since it's not published and I have my own time frame for editing and querying it, so I can take the time I might need to rewrite the ending--if needed--without feeling like I'm messing up someone else's schedule. But still, I'm noodling, and worrying, and ideas are niggling in my head.

Fussing about writing progress is a good sign, though, as is, actually, staying up too late because I hit the right playlist and found the groove.

Okay, anyway, it's 1:30 here, and part of me is ready and willing to keep at this story, but my eyelids are drooping and it took a while to fall asleep last night, so time for sleep, yes? Yes.

I have had coffee (caffeine, which ought to've helped if it were a migraine), something to eat, plus two Tylenol if it's a normal tension headache. But my head still feels like it's in a vice and slowly being squeezed.

Part of me feels like I should push through it, because I haven't been very productive this week. But the rest of me knows that trying to do so is likely to make the headache worse. So even though it makes me incredibly lazy, I am going to turn off the electronics, get some soothing music going and bury my head under a pillow for an hour or so.

Hopefully when I emerge, I will feel much better.

The McKinley Book Sale starts this weekend. It is a week-long book sale run by the Friends of the Library organization, wherein a high school cafeteria is filled with books (plus, DVDs, cds and art) of various genres.

It's heaven wrapped up in an introvert's hell. It's basically a tradition with my family (well, my dad, older sister and I, plus whoever feels like it, the latter of which changes from year to year) to go the first day, right when they open. You can early choice of the books laid out because it's the first day, but also, people line up that first day, and it very quickly fills up, so you are scooching and squishing past people with boxes full of books.

Even with fans running, it is a tight fit after a little while, and your humble introvert here has to start deciding what's more important scouring each shelf for books in her desired genres, or getting away from the people. I try to hit my top 2 or 3 areas first, so if they get crowded I've already searched enough I feel okay moving elsewhere, and the other sections aren't so desirable that I feel I might lose out if I skipped them once I've reached maximum peopley-ness.

I like the rare book section, though those tend to be a little pricier and frankly, Hawai'i is not kind to old books. Then I hit the sci fi and fantasy books (usually I try to have a list of 'books I hope I can find' or a 'books I already have so make sure I don't buy doubles,' sometimes I bring both lists--then proceed to not look at them because juggling a box of books, other people, books everywhere plus lists is occasionally asking for trouble). Sometimes I look through the psychology books, often I roam the art books (so few art nouveau books, but I love it so, the only bit of asymmetry I really like), and the art pieces themselves are usually nearby, so I duck into that corner, which tends to be a little emptier of people. Gives me some breathing room, plus interesting art to look at which I cannot afford.

Last year, I opted to bring just my large fairy tale tote bag. Easier to squeeze past people, self-limiting because it can fill up faster than a box, and a good test for how sturdily made it was. A pleasant surprise I haven't snapped any of the stitches ~knocks on wood~ but it's nice to see something I made hold up to heavy use. I'll probably bring it again this year.

Honestly, I have no space for more books. But it's tradition, and I have a few books from trilogies or series missing the rest of the titles, and you never know what you'll find there. Sometimes I find something I wasn't looking for at all, and it strikes me as a perfect gift for someone.

So my goal for tomorrow is to finalize a list of books to be on the lookout for, plan a bit of a budget, and see if I can't organize things to make a bit of space for the ones that'll be coming in. Plus find a mantra I'll actually listen to so I don't overbuy everything because it's got a pretty cover.

Book dragon? Me? Noooo. >.>  Okay, maybe a little.

I have ideas for posts.

* I want to write about Marvel and comics and the ones I'm loving and the story-arc-that-shall-not-be-named because it is despicable and should have been dropped ages ago. But there are other titles, like Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur, and The Unstoppable Wasp, which are doing so many good things.

* I also want to write about 12 Monkeys. Honestly, Syfy (still don't like that they changed it from Sci fi, but oh well) actually has some pretty good original shows--Dark Matter, Killjoys and Wynonna Earp are all returning in June. But the new 12 Monkeys season was released in its entirety over this past weekend (Fri-Sun) and I think that is an interesting choice in addition to the show itself being an intriguing take on time travel, a genre I like but have a lot of trouble with. My biggest issue is with time paradoxes, which the show directly addresses.

* I still want to do a photo-heavy how-to breaking down my method for creating a new sewn item, but the one I'm in the middle of is a wallet, which I've never made before, and I'm a little stuck on how best to sew it. I do find that, tricky as it can be, I much prefer making my own patterns, though. I bought a pattern for a simple skirt and that was such a hassle, trying to sort out directions and symbols and just cutting the pattern pieces.

* somewhat less focused on posting, I want to try the bottled galaxies again. I have some bottles with screw tops that might work better than the corked bottles, and I found a few tips for making the cork ones more secure/air tight, which will hopefully fix the problem I had of air escaping and the water evaporating. I also want to get reinvigorated with editing TIZR and writing TIC and my ace romance.

* Lastly, update on life: I went to a job fair last Wednesday, gave out my resume to a few places, got some applications, and received a call regarding an admin position for one place. The interview for that is tomorrow at 9. Awkward to get to via bus, but not impossible. Not my ideal job, but might be something that could lead to more satisfying work. I also have a few other positions to actually finish applications on, including an academic advisor for what was a for-profit college, but is now a non-profit.

Wish me luck and look back here in the coming weeks for talk of comics, TV, and crafting (I have a baby quilt to sew for my cousin's first child, she's tiny and adorable and you can never encourage awesomeness too soon).

I pretty much lost this week to being sick. I tried to do a few small tasks, but I've learned from far too many past experiences that if I -can- rest when I'm sick, I need to take advantage of that.

I've had too many occasions when I would say, "Well, I've got this test, I've got this project. I'm scheduled for work, I gotta go," and I push through--take some DayQuil, pack a bunch of tissues, maybe some juice, a pack of lozenges, then I get to work. But that's the sort of attitude that also led to a 3-day cold turning into 3 weeks my senior year of high school.

I used to only get one, maybe two colds a year. I didn't get sick much, and the worst of it was over after three days. I'm not sure when that changed. If teaching, thus being in an AC'ed building five days a week for five years with its recycled air, was part of it. Or if it's more recent than that.

I definitely have had plenty of health issues since December, more in a small space than usual.

I don't like it.

It makes my head fuzzy, which makes me grumpy and feeling unproductive.

Today I am in the dry congestion phase, so hopefully, with enough rest and medication today, I will better by tomorrow. But that doesn't stop from getting on the computer and seeing how much I can do before I feel too crummy to keep going.


My 2017 motivation, so far: Even a little step forward is a step forward.